the sound of nothing

I hate it when my phone rings now. Even though I think I know that Ted actually won’t be contacting me at this point, my first thought is always: “Ted?!” And then I feel a bit foolish and get a little disappointed.

Funny thing is that in reality I haven’t had much contact with Ted except for on facebook. So he actually doesn’t mean much to me at all, but somehow I built this image of how much fun I was going to have with him. I built it so solid that I’m actually disappointed. “Oh, but all the fun I’m not having!” 

I’m sure the intitial feeling of surprise will wear off soon, and I have certainly learned from this. 

nothing

Ted stopped by work today. He was there one moment, and then he was gone. “Hey, what are you going here?!” I asked, but another colleague butted in and he never got a chance to reply.

And when he was goen I thought “Surely, he’ll leave me a message somewhere. In my locker? A text message?” but nothing. All evening (I was working the late shift) nothing. And when I got home, nothing.

I sent him a text message saying “Frankie, what happened? change your mind? ;)” to which there was no reply, and I have to admit, in disbelief, that he probably did. And I’m really, really surprised!

Does this mean that it really is true that you can’t be straightforward with a guy? That we have to make you work for it, wait for it, unceartain if you will get it, in order to really keep your interrest? Even though we may want it more than you do? Even though it’s just physical? Even thouh we’d get so much more stuff done if we just dropped the charade? It kind of hurts my brain to think that I might have to keep playing this game until the end of time. I just don’t know if I have the energy.

Anyways, I’ve learned my lesson: Thou shalt not throw away all pretences and make yourself available for any guy. Sucks.

Spontanuity, I ain’t your bitch

The fact that my calculations are off by at least two days tells me that he’s not really that interrested. Damn Ted. But it’s not his fault. Maybe he hasn’t learned to recognize one of his own kind* yet. Maybe he’s never met one yet?

Anyways, it’s thursday afternoon and still no word from Ted. So let’s get ahead of ourselves and create a dilemma: If he were to message/call me tomorrow night wondering if I’m up for doing something my whole being tells me I should say “no”, just to prove I’m no one’s bitch. If you want me you’ve gotta be willing to show some interrest. (I mean, come on, how busy are you that you don’t have time to send one message? The only reason not to would be because you’re so damn sure of yourself.)

So what do I do

Go out and have fun at the flick of his wrist, or stay at home and sulk, ’cause I’m nobody’s bitch?

 

*carefree fuckers who tend to have a blast if more than one

calculations

His reply to my: “I could eat you up!” was “Nice… I like. 😉 We’ll see if we can manage to squeese something in…”

And according to my calculations he should contact me late, late at night and suggest we meet up soon. Probably Thursday night. Possibly Friday if he really has a lot to study.

If my calculations are incorrect… it means that… he’s not that interrested. And then…

…well, there’s always the hot instructor at my gym…

sex & expectations

For one week messages have been sent back and forth between me and Ted. Initially I’d wanted to hang out with him for a bit and then have him come over and fuck me. And as the week’s progressed I’m sure that he has a very clear image of that. Not the hanging out part, but the fucking. He pretty much expects it, which is probably exactly what I would have done if I was him, and I realize I’ve painted myself into a corner here.

Yes, I do (think) I want to sleep with Ted, but I most definitely would like to just hang out with him first. Cause when you get right to it, it takes some trust to sleep with someone. And now I’m kind of sorry I made it so obvious that it’s basically a good bang that I’m after, cause that will probably take away a lot of the excitement of not knowing what’s gonna happen.

I want to go out, sit down and seriously have some tapas, feel the excitement building and then take him home with me. I don’t want to miss out on the awkwardness of trying to make conversation with someone you actually just want to have throw you over the shoulder, take you home and bang you sensless. 

Maybe most of all I’m afraid I’ll feel used. I don’t randomly pick out guys to sleep with. As a matter of fact, Ted is the first guy I’ve been attracted to in more than six months. And I don’t mind that he’s leaving and that I’ll probably only have him once, but I would mind if I met him and he went about it in a “let’s get down to buisness” kind of way. Maybe I shouldn’t overthink this since there’s a good chance we won’t have time to meet at all.

I do spontaneous, I don’t do patience

“It’ll have to be spontaneous.” he says and asks for my number.

I tease him a little before I give it to him.

We’ve been running around at work on different floors but managed to bump in to eachother a few times. As soon as we pass eachother a grin spreads on my face. To avoid grinning straight up his face I have to clench my jaws shut whenever I see him. There is a slight chance he thinks I’ve been a little bit pissed off the entire day…

I don’t like spontaneous. I like to plan. Like to be prepared.

Most of all, I’d like to have a chance to hang out with Ted before he leaves just to see if I was right when I thought we might be likeminded and therefore possibly have a blast if we got together. 

And just to mess with him, and possibly make him hurry up and get finished with his work so that he’ll come out to play, I wrote him a message on facebook that said: “Dammit Ted, I could eat you up! Too bad you’re such a busy bastard!” 

And unless his reply contains some kind of question, that will be the end of my quirky facebook messages to Ted.

 

 

Tokyo Friday

Ted has exams, and can’t hang out on Saturday as I proposed and my anticipation for our “date” (it’s more of an booty-call at this point) is driving me nuts.

I waaaaant him, but not until Saturday. And apparently that’s when he’ll be studying for exams (which I guess are on Monday or even later next week!)

Since Ted’s leaving town, or rather moving back to his hometown, next Saturday or Sunday, I’m beginning to wonder if there’s just not enough time to give him a tour of my bedroom…! Mind you that this is the first boy I’ve been sexually attracted to since I moved here, which means six months! Six months people!!!

God, this anticipation reminds me so much of Tokyo on a Friday afternoon. Oh, the long gone Friday’s! The longest and most busy day of the week at work, followed by clubbing til’ morning in Shibuya or Shinjuku. Goddamt, that was the good life!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRAAAORRRR!!!

 

 

 

bang me?

look, a fuck-me bear!

Is it wrong to want to eat one of your work associates up? I mean, what if they have dimples and fuck-me lips  (it’s the kind of strange lips that Brad Pitt has) and are huge, assumably muscular, but look like a fuck-me teddybear? Well, is it?