Alice – In search of Wonderland

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

leave your girlfriend at home!

Filed under: friends,life,love — Alice @ 12:13 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Goddamit!

I’ve arranged to see my best friend Funky Town this evening, and I’m visualizing us having a quick drink at the sky bar before we head to his tiny apartment and sit down in the couch and catch up. It’s been ages since we’ve had a chance to catch up, and I want to know what’s going on in his life. We’ve always been very tight, on the same wavelength, but ever since he got a girlfriend he’s, understandably, been harder to reach. Especially when we both insist of moving out of town as soon as the other one settles back in.

As we’re opening the door to his apartment building he says: “I just promised Twigs I’d check in with her when I got home…” His girlfriend, you see, lives in the same apartment building, only two floors below him. I silently sigh, but smile, and say: “Sure.” I mean, what else am I gonna say…? Anyways, he opens her door, says hi, yadayada, and then invites her up! “Why don’t you come up, when you’re finished writing e-mails?” I curse on the inside. Me and Funky Town stroll on up, sit in the sofa and chat. And just as I’m about to ask him how things are going with Twigs, she enters. And she’s gloomy. And it sucks that neither of them seem to understand the fact that just because we all know each other doesn’t mean he has to invite her, or that she should tag along, in everything me and Funky Town do. 

I don’t dislike her, or maybe I do a little actually! Since I now recall being slightly disappointed when he told me that she was his girlfriend. But I only dislike her (and only very slightly, for she is a decent human being, if a bit boring…) for the fact that she’s always too sensible and a little dull and me and FunkyTown have always been crazy people. She doesn’t ever let go and let herself be goofy, which has also made FunkyTown kind of restrain himself whenever she’s around. 

I really thought I’d carefully hinted that I wanted to have him for myself for one evening, but apparently the message was not recieved. So now what do I do? 

And to further my frustration I later found out that they’d spent the entire week end together and just gotten back. Together. I mean, come on…!

Advertisements

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

the story of my first boyfriend

Filed under: life,love — Alice @ 11:01 pm
Tags: , , ,

My first boyfriend, Elf, was the alpha male in a group consisting of seven guys and me. Even though I didn’t really think I was that pretty I somehow managed to get a kiss from him, and then he was hooked. And so was I. He was my first boyfriend and he loved me, and everything about me, with a passion.

A year in to the relationship I spent the night at his house and we started talking about war and politics (up until then all we ever did when we spent the night together was have sex) and I suddenly realized I was dating a 1700th century conservative. Soon I found out he’s opinions about religion and fat people (!) were also a bit twisted and surreal (both religious people and fat people are stupid without exception, apparently.)

Nevermind that. We were young and in love! It wasn’t until he started getting insanely jealous of one of Funky Town, the other guys in the group whom I got along really well with that things started to fall apart. Mine and Funky Town were very fond of teasing eachother, poking eachother, having thumbwars or any other kind of wars and go shopping for clothes together. I thought of him as a brother and it never crossed my mind that he was a boy and I was a girl. But in Elf’s head we were conspiring against him and he demanded I not see Funky Town unless he was with us as well. It would have been a somewhat fair request if not Elf had the habit of sleeping and never answering his phone until 4 p.m.

I really did try to please Elf, but after a while I felt like I was breaking my back trying to make him feel comfortable. He explained that it was simple: If I really loved him, it shouldn’t be a problem to chose him over Funky Town. But in my head I was thinking: If you really loved me you wouldn’t make me chose between you or one of my best friends…

It all came crashing down when Funky Town one day said jokingly: “When you and Elf have kids they’re probably going to be…” I didn’t hear the rest. I think I panicked at the thought of a future with Elf and the thought of ever having kids with him made my head ring. So I broke it off. The three years we had together ended with a crash when he punched his fist through the bedroom window when I was in the bathroom. I did try to stay friends with him, because I still kind of loved and cared for him, but he kept trying to control me and was forever dissapointed whenever I didn’t put his needs first.

Even though I was the one who’d broken up with him it hit me really hard. Everything and anything made me cry and I stayed in bed for a week. When I finally got up and back out in to the world Funky Town was a great support. Without a jealous Elf to consider he quickly became one of my best friends in the world. And when Elf realized me and him couldn’t be friends and started contacting everyone we knew making them chose sides, Funky Town stuck by me. A remarkable thing, since he was Elf’s friend first.

ex boyfriends’ girlfriend

Filed under: life,love — Alice @ 10:05 pm
Tags: , , , ,

As I am now severely addicted to the hateful facebook since I keep checking Curly’s status all the time (he’s discretely matching me, half replying to my status updates) I stumble upon, Elf’s, my first boyfriend’s page. He’s on a friends-list of one of our old mutual friends (or not so mutual as it turned out), and although I cannot see his profile I can, for some reason look at his photo albums as long as he’s tagged the mutual friend of ours…

My inner voyeur takes over and I click around, watching glimpses of his life and after a while I make the conclusion that one girl might be his girlfriend. She’s definitely pretty and she looks a little bit like I did when we were dating. Long brown hair, very natural look, cute, petite, smaller boobs that I have but her stomach is toned. And not toned as in “she probably works out” but just as in instead of smooth you can hint that she has some muscles under there. And. It. Drives. Me. Nuts. To the point that I put my shoes on and ran to the gym. “Why?” you wonder? Because as much as I know that I fall in love with people not because of their looks but because they’re fantastic human beings, I can’t seem to apply this on myself. In my head all guys are constantly comparing me to every girl they ever dated or just had a crush on…

 

Sunday, June 8, 2008

sex & expectations

Filed under: life,sex — Alice @ 5:31 pm
Tags: , , ,

For one week messages have been sent back and forth between me and Ted. Initially I’d wanted to hang out with him for a bit and then have him come over and fuck me. And as the week’s progressed I’m sure that he has a very clear image of that. Not the hanging out part, but the fucking. He pretty much expects it, which is probably exactly what I would have done if I was him, and I realize I’ve painted myself into a corner here.

Yes, I do (think) I want to sleep with Ted, but I most definitely would like to just hang out with him first. Cause when you get right to it, it takes some trust to sleep with someone. And now I’m kind of sorry I made it so obvious that it’s basically a good bang that I’m after, cause that will probably take away a lot of the excitement of not knowing what’s gonna happen.

I want to go out, sit down and seriously have some tapas, feel the excitement building and then take him home with me. I don’t want to miss out on the awkwardness of trying to make conversation with someone you actually just want to have throw you over the shoulder, take you home and bang you sensless. 

Maybe most of all I’m afraid I’ll feel used. I don’t randomly pick out guys to sleep with. As a matter of fact, Ted is the first guy I’ve been attracted to in more than six months. And I don’t mind that he’s leaving and that I’ll probably only have him once, but I would mind if I met him and he went about it in a “let’s get down to buisness” kind of way. Maybe I shouldn’t overthink this since there’s a good chance we won’t have time to meet at all.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I had the most cruel dream last night

Filed under: dreams,Japan,life — Alice @ 9:15 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I dreamt about this guy I used to go out with in Tokyo. I call him Rumble. A 23-year old guy whom I met through a friend in a karaoke box in Shibuya. I soon learned he was married, but the second time we met, also in a karaoke box together with our mutual friends, sparks were flying in every direction. We didn’t stand a chance to the attraction that overpowered both righteousness and reason.

Being with him in Tokyo was like being on a constant high, and I don’t think I’ve ever had such a connection with anyone in my entire life. I kid you not when I say I could read his mind as if his thoughts were written down for me in an open book. His wife, or rather, the girl he’d married back home so that she could obtain a visa and come with him when he moved to Japan, was not yet in the country which made it very easy not to think about her at all. And I should be perfectly honest and say I was in a relationship with Turtle at that time as well, but in the beginning I felt very strongly that mine and Rumble’s thing was completely disconnected from how much I loved Turtle. 

When I met his wife she was incredibly rude, even though I tried my best to make her feel welcome when she’d just moved to a new, huge city. (I know it might sound false, but I still felt that the thing between me and Rumble was kind of in a separate world. And it was definitely nothing personal against her! Besides, she didn’t know about it, and we didn’t intend to keep this parallell universe of ours alive once his wife was in Japan.) As for her I couldn’t see how someone larger-than-life, like Rumble, had fallen for such a grey mouse that refused to even be friendly, and this was an impression shared by quite a few mutual friends of ours. Of course, no one told Rumble to his face.

This was nearly a year ago. And I can still feel the connection, the need to talk to Rumble, pick his brain, hear that marvelous laughter of his, but our contact is near to nill. It’s fine though, the whole thing with the two of us was probably just a result of Tokyo-fever…

In my dream last night though he was right there. Right there with his hoarse laughter and his warm, massive body and it was a fragment of the crazy time we had in Tokyo, and then he was made to choose. Me, or the mouse. And he chose the mouse over me. Again. Out of love, out of habit, out of cowardliness, I don’t know. I was confused: “But we are the best team! We are!!! So… why is he choosing her?!” And it stung like hell.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

magic beans

Filed under: body,life — Alice @ 1:11 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

“Maybe she’s right, that Skinny, Maybe not eating is actually the way to go…” I think to myself as I’m once again poking my belly fat. Now, I remind you all that in reality I’m against not eating. In reality. But since I’m anonymous here I might as well share even my weirdest thoughts. And if it hadn’t been for that farewell-party of one of my colleagues that I had to go to, I would have probably made it that one day without eating anything after lunch. So yesterday, since I had no plans, I thought  I was just gonna stay home and not eat. And we all know what happens then. All you can think about is food. And I can’t help but wondering why I always end up sabotaging myself when I’ve decided to either eat less, or eat less unhealthy food. Yesterday for example, I ended up eating popcorn and drinking beer. Sure, popcorn is the less evil thing to treat yourself too if you’re trying to lose weight, and the beer was a “lite beer”, but still… sabotage!

And then I stumble upon a blogg written by a cancer patient, crazysezycancer, about fasting and cleansing your body, and I thought, hey, I might do that! I should be able to handle one day of fasting, right? And maybe I could get Skinny to join me too.


Recently, I’ve seriously been considering
liposuction. I assure you, I know I’m not fat, but it’s just that belly fat that doesn’t go away no matter what I do! And I think it would really help my selfimage if I could just finally get rid of it and for the first time ever have a flat stomach. But then I’m kinda scared of the risks (there’s always a risk of going bye-bye when put under anaestesia) and the recovery period. I can’t really take a week off of work because I’m having aesthetic surgery, now can I? Anyways, I stumbled upon something new called lipodissolve. Basically you inject yourself with extract of soybean which dissolves the fat in your body. No anaestesia or anything. The process apparently takes 8 weeks and you might need to do it repeatedly to get the results you need, but when you’re satisfied the results are permanent. Doesn’t it sound smashing?


soybean

Thursday, April 17, 2008

and then I rememberer – I love you

Filed under: life,love,tokyo — Alice @ 9:50 pm
Tags: , , ,

I go out with a bunch of japanese friends and I realize that this sadness, these “mini-depressions” that I have, never occured when I was in Tokyo. Although, once in a while I’d get paralyzed by an overwhelming joy, just the joy of being alive and breathing in that amazing city, but that too would pass in a few minutes.

I’m not sure what it is about Tokyo that makes me thrive and feel that I’m alive in a more tangiable sense, just like I’m not sure why this city seems to kill my spirit a little each day. (Nah, that’s a lie. It’s a damn boring city, that’s why!) But I am sure that a place that makes me paralyzed with happiness every once in a while, is a place worth returning to. 

It freaking breaks my heart that it has to take so long, though. Another eight months before I can go back, at least. Eight months. I wonder if I’ll have a spirit left to revive after spending such a long time in a dull place.

buhu

Filed under: life — Alice @ 6:29 pm
Tags: ,

Recently I’ve been thinking. Wondering if I’m different from all of you guys in the spcific way that I sometimes have an overwhelming sadness within me. It’s like an animal that goes to sleep, and then sometimes wakes up and yawns or moves aroun in it’s sleep. The most meaningless things can trigger it sometimes, and when they do I just feel… so sad. Like every part of me goes limp and I don’t want to move ever again. Do you ever get that feeling? It’s like mini-depressions. They don’t even last for a few minutes, but during those minutes I am sad about pretty much everything that’s wrong in the world. 

And then I shake it off.

Today it just hit me, for the first time, that maybe not all human beings are like this. Something I’ve just assumed so far. So I’m curious, does the world make you sad, or is it just me?

  Is the world a sad and depressing place?

  1) Yes, I get depressed all the time.
2) Nah, it’s just you.

 
View Results
 
Make your own poll  

Sunday, April 6, 2008

cupcake

Filed under: chicks,gay,life,love — Alice @ 8:51 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Rocker Chick calls me to see if I’m free to hang out. I’m unfortunately busy, and when I call her up, almost two hours later she’s already at home and feeling a bit under the weather, apparently.

I feel stupid for a second or two, but how am I supposed to know she’d call me out of the blue, wanting to meet up immediately? I suppose I could’ve left my schedule clear, but then I realize that that would make me Rocker Chicks bitch. It’s too bad though, I haven’t seen her since that night at the club when we were both really drunk, and I was kinda looking forward to seeing how we’d interract. Man, I just got a flashback. She’s so cute. (I want her!)

I’m gonna have to invite her to come stay with me for a weekend. I wonder if she’d dare to come?

Maybe tomorrow, if she’s still isn’t feeling good, I could stop by her place with some cupcakes or something, before I hop on a bus to go back to my “other home” to make up for the fact that I’m so popular I didn’t have time for her when she called.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

relax

Filed under: chicks,life,love — Alice @ 10:52 am
Tags: , , ,

I’m meeting Rocker Chick, either tonight to go out for drinks, and maybe trying to sneak her away to a gay club where we can make out without raising any straight eyebrows, or tomorrow for coffe. I’m kind of ambivalent as to how I should act around her. Friendly, but not too friendly maybe?

It’s not like I’m in love with her and in my opinion, anything less than love shouldn’t be treated too seriously. I just wish everyone else would realize that and let loose a little bit. Dating shouldn’t have to be a deadly serious thing.

Blog at WordPress.com.