the sound of nothing

I hate it when my phone rings now. Even though I think I know that Ted actually won’t be contacting me at this point, my first thought is always: “Ted?!” And then I feel a bit foolish and get a little disappointed.

Funny thing is that in reality I haven’t had much contact with Ted except for on facebook. So he actually doesn’t mean much to me at all, but somehow I built this image of how much fun I was going to have with him. I built it so solid that I’m actually disappointed. “Oh, but all the fun I’m not having!” 

I’m sure the intitial feeling of surprise will wear off soon, and I have certainly learned from this. 

Spontanuity, I ain’t your bitch

The fact that my calculations are off by at least two days tells me that he’s not really that interrested. Damn Ted. But it’s not his fault. Maybe he hasn’t learned to recognize one of his own kind* yet. Maybe he’s never met one yet?

Anyways, it’s thursday afternoon and still no word from Ted. So let’s get ahead of ourselves and create a dilemma: If he were to message/call me tomorrow night wondering if I’m up for doing something my whole being tells me I should say “no”, just to prove I’m no one’s bitch. If you want me you’ve gotta be willing to show some interrest. (I mean, come on, how busy are you that you don’t have time to send one message? The only reason not to would be because you’re so damn sure of yourself.)

So what do I do

Go out and have fun at the flick of his wrist, or stay at home and sulk, ’cause I’m nobody’s bitch?

 

*carefree fuckers who tend to have a blast if more than one

sex & expectations

For one week messages have been sent back and forth between me and Ted. Initially I’d wanted to hang out with him for a bit and then have him come over and fuck me. And as the week’s progressed I’m sure that he has a very clear image of that. Not the hanging out part, but the fucking. He pretty much expects it, which is probably exactly what I would have done if I was him, and I realize I’ve painted myself into a corner here.

Yes, I do (think) I want to sleep with Ted, but I most definitely would like to just hang out with him first. Cause when you get right to it, it takes some trust to sleep with someone. And now I’m kind of sorry I made it so obvious that it’s basically a good bang that I’m after, cause that will probably take away a lot of the excitement of not knowing what’s gonna happen.

I want to go out, sit down and seriously have some tapas, feel the excitement building and then take him home with me. I don’t want to miss out on the awkwardness of trying to make conversation with someone you actually just want to have throw you over the shoulder, take you home and bang you sensless. 

Maybe most of all I’m afraid I’ll feel used. I don’t randomly pick out guys to sleep with. As a matter of fact, Ted is the first guy I’ve been attracted to in more than six months. And I don’t mind that he’s leaving and that I’ll probably only have him once, but I would mind if I met him and he went about it in a “let’s get down to buisness” kind of way. Maybe I shouldn’t overthink this since there’s a good chance we won’t have time to meet at all.

the smell of safe

I spent way too many nights with Turtle. It’s so easy to just fall back in to old patterns. Mostly we just slept in the same bed, for days in a row. I’m pretty sure he gives off an undetectable smell that enables me to sleep for ages. Like 15-16 hours a day. And the ever so comforting sensation of skin against skin. It’s just a really good feeling.

I accidentally invite him to go with me to Paris this weekend. At first I was planning on travelling alone, but then I thought it might be nice to have a travelling companion, and he agreed in a heartbeat. Neither of us has ever been to Paris so we’ll probably spend the time getting lost together and eating croissants. Possibly hitting eachother over the head with baguettes if we get on each others nerves, but let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. 

We’ve been “broken up” for eight months, but when we’re together it’s like we’re pretend-lovers. We haven’t managed to get out of coupledom, with the one exception of expectaitons. We have none. It’s like a real relationship without the pressure. And without the I love you‘s. It’s actually quite perfect since we both get to be totally selfish and still enjoy eachothers company. One migth say that breaking up was probably the best thing that ever happened to our relationship…