Alice – In search of Wonderland

Sunday, June 15, 2008

the secret code of handsqueezing

Filed under: life,party,sleep — Alice @ 4:43 am
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It’s five in the morning. I ended up going out with two people from work, one of which I don’t usually hang out with. After a couple of gin & tonics we were joined by yet another guy they work with whom I’ve met a couple of times before, a tall and blond guy with curly hair and a bit of an australian accent, and his friend, who had a nerdy/cute look going on.

So we find a club and go dancing, dancing, dancing, and it feels so good! Letting out all my frustration on the dance floor kind of. At one point me and Curly ar walking through the crowd and ah he’s leading the way he offers me his hands and which is not an uncommon thing to do when you don’t want to get separated, but he squeezes my hands so tight*. For some reason I squeeze his back as if my life’s depending on us getting back on the dance floor together. And there’s something about squeezing people’s hands in crowded clubs. There must be something psychological there, because you build up some sort of… I don’t really know… energy maybe?

Anyways, later on, when I find him alone in the crowd and we’re looking for our friends he gently strokes my back, almost as if by accident. And that’s the fucking universal sign (in a club) that someone really wants to make out with you! So I crane my neck to see if I can see any of our friends, and when I can’t I lean in to him and shout in his ear: “Curly, do you want a kiss?” And after an initial minor shock and a “wha?” he looks down on a spot beside me and says “Yes, please.” His curly hair is like a curtain, but I do give him a very, very sweet kiss. Kind of innocent but juicy at the same time, and it just tastes… so good! He says something about one not being enough but by then I can spot one of the others and I just give him a laugh and walk over to her as she seems to be looking for us. And that’t it.

That’s all I need to redeem my confidence. We spend the rest of the night dancing with our friends and generally having a blast, but without any more kisses or indications of the one we already shared.


*and let me tell you, just as I’m writing “…squeezes my hands so tight” I get a facebook message from Curly. He wants to know my number and thanks me for a lovely evening “…and that one kiss was nice”. I give it to him before I go to sleep.

I am so back in the game.


Saturday, June 14, 2008


Filed under: Uncategorized — Alice @ 9:23 pm
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and then all of a sudden, there it is! A message from Ted. Saying that there just wasn’t enough time. And I ask for advice on what’s up in the city, and he says he’s out with some friends but they don’t know where they’re going either. “Take me with! (We don’t even have to make out.) 😉 I’m bored out of my mind!” I quickly reply, and at this point I’m being perfectly honest. I’m over Ted, I just want to go out and socialize. “Sorry :p” he says. (And I do give him cred for actually replying there…) So that’s the end of the Ted story, but now I have a totally differeng problem. I’m going out of my mind ’cause I’m so bored and all of the friends I couldv’e gone out with are at home sick or tired or whatever…

And I miss Tokyo like mad. In Tokyo you could go out to the nearest bar and have new friends within 15 minutes. 

But it’s Saturday!!!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Alice @ 8:19 pm

So I’m sitting here watching the finale of “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila” 

I better get this ass of mine out tonight! But I don’t want to go out alone… Dammit!




Noooooo!!!! I can’t believe she chose the boy! What the fuck?!?! Anyone could see that Dani was the right one for her! Aaaaawww…

the sound of nothing

Filed under: life,sex — Alice @ 11:24 am
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I hate it when my phone rings now. Even though I think I know that Ted actually won’t be contacting me at this point, my first thought is always: “Ted?!” And then I feel a bit foolish and get a little disappointed.

Funny thing is that in reality I haven’t had much contact with Ted except for on facebook. So he actually doesn’t mean much to me at all, but somehow I built this image of how much fun I was going to have with him. I built it so solid that I’m actually disappointed. “Oh, but all the fun I’m not having!” 

I’m sure the intitial feeling of surprise will wear off soon, and I have certainly learned from this. 


Filed under: Uncategorized — Alice @ 2:25 am
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Ted stopped by work today. He was there one moment, and then he was gone. “Hey, what are you going here?!” I asked, but another colleague butted in and he never got a chance to reply.

And when he was goen I thought “Surely, he’ll leave me a message somewhere. In my locker? A text message?” but nothing. All evening (I was working the late shift) nothing. And when I got home, nothing.

I sent him a text message saying “Frankie, what happened? change your mind? ;)” to which there was no reply, and I have to admit, in disbelief, that he probably did. And I’m really, really surprised!

Does this mean that it really is true that you can’t be straightforward with a guy? That we have to make you work for it, wait for it, unceartain if you will get it, in order to really keep your interrest? Even though we may want it more than you do? Even though it’s just physical? Even thouh we’d get so much more stuff done if we just dropped the charade? It kind of hurts my brain to think that I might have to keep playing this game until the end of time. I just don’t know if I have the energy.

Anyways, I’ve learned my lesson: Thou shalt not throw away all pretences and make yourself available for any guy. Sucks.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Spontanuity, I ain’t your bitch

Filed under: life,sex — Alice @ 3:54 pm
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The fact that my calculations are off by at least two days tells me that he’s not really that interrested. Damn Ted. But it’s not his fault. Maybe he hasn’t learned to recognize one of his own kind* yet. Maybe he’s never met one yet?

Anyways, it’s thursday afternoon and still no word from Ted. So let’s get ahead of ourselves and create a dilemma: If he were to message/call me tomorrow night wondering if I’m up for doing something my whole being tells me I should say “no”, just to prove I’m no one’s bitch. If you want me you’ve gotta be willing to show some interrest. (I mean, come on, how busy are you that you don’t have time to send one message? The only reason not to would be because you’re so damn sure of yourself.)

So what do I do

Go out and have fun at the flick of his wrist, or stay at home and sulk, ’cause I’m nobody’s bitch?


*carefree fuckers who tend to have a blast if more than one

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


Filed under: Uncategorized — Alice @ 5:49 pm

His reply to my: “I could eat you up!” was “Nice… I like. 😉 We’ll see if we can manage to squeese something in…”

And according to my calculations he should contact me late, late at night and suggest we meet up soon. Probably Thursday night. Possibly Friday if he really has a lot to study.

If my calculations are incorrect… it means that… he’s not that interrested. And then…

…well, there’s always the hot instructor at my gym…

Sunday, June 8, 2008

sex & expectations

Filed under: life,sex — Alice @ 5:31 pm
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For one week messages have been sent back and forth between me and Ted. Initially I’d wanted to hang out with him for a bit and then have him come over and fuck me. And as the week’s progressed I’m sure that he has a very clear image of that. Not the hanging out part, but the fucking. He pretty much expects it, which is probably exactly what I would have done if I was him, and I realize I’ve painted myself into a corner here.

Yes, I do (think) I want to sleep with Ted, but I most definitely would like to just hang out with him first. Cause when you get right to it, it takes some trust to sleep with someone. And now I’m kind of sorry I made it so obvious that it’s basically a good bang that I’m after, cause that will probably take away a lot of the excitement of not knowing what’s gonna happen.

I want to go out, sit down and seriously have some tapas, feel the excitement building and then take him home with me. I don’t want to miss out on the awkwardness of trying to make conversation with someone you actually just want to have throw you over the shoulder, take you home and bang you sensless. 

Maybe most of all I’m afraid I’ll feel used. I don’t randomly pick out guys to sleep with. As a matter of fact, Ted is the first guy I’ve been attracted to in more than six months. And I don’t mind that he’s leaving and that I’ll probably only have him once, but I would mind if I met him and he went about it in a “let’s get down to buisness” kind of way. Maybe I shouldn’t overthink this since there’s a good chance we won’t have time to meet at all.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

I do spontaneous, I don’t do patience

Filed under: life,sex — Alice @ 7:52 pm

“It’ll have to be spontaneous.” he says and asks for my number.

I tease him a little before I give it to him.

We’ve been running around at work on different floors but managed to bump in to eachother a few times. As soon as we pass eachother a grin spreads on my face. To avoid grinning straight up his face I have to clench my jaws shut whenever I see him. There is a slight chance he thinks I’ve been a little bit pissed off the entire day…

I don’t like spontaneous. I like to plan. Like to be prepared.

Most of all, I’d like to have a chance to hang out with Ted before he leaves just to see if I was right when I thought we might be likeminded and therefore possibly have a blast if we got together. 

And just to mess with him, and possibly make him hurry up and get finished with his work so that he’ll come out to play, I wrote him a message on facebook that said: “Dammit Ted, I could eat you up! Too bad you’re such a busy bastard!” 

And unless his reply contains some kind of question, that will be the end of my quirky facebook messages to Ted.



Thursday, June 5, 2008

I try not to think about Tokyo

Filed under: life,love,tokyo — Alice @ 11:59 am

We talked briefly about what we did back home.  We talked about who we were.  Neither of that mattered here.  After this bus ride we’d never see each other again, but that was the beauty of this trip.  Nothing really mattered.

When the neon lights and awkwardly compact buildings started coming into view I began to feel a sense of achievement.  I felt a sense of pride.  I felt a sense fear.  I felt a sense of love.  It felt like home.  This was Tokyo, Japan.

This post made my heart cramp up a bit. God, I miss it so much! Tokyo really is home. Any other city fades in comparison. Nowhere on earth can I find freedom and peace of mind like I do in Tokyo. And I die a little every day I’m away. The only thing saving me is that 8 months from now I’ll be free to live there as long as I please.
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