My first boyfriend, Elf, was the alpha male in a group consisting of seven guys and me. Even though I didn’t really think I was that pretty I somehow managed to get a kiss from him, and then he was hooked. And so was I. He was my first boyfriend and he loved me, and everything about me, with a passion.
A year in to the relationship I spent the night at his house and we started talking about war and politics (up until then all we ever did when we spent the night together was have sex) and I suddenly realized I was dating a 1700th century conservative. Soon I found out he’s opinions about religion and fat people (!) were also a bit twisted and surreal (both religious people and fat people are stupid without exception, apparently.)
Nevermind that. We were young and in love! It wasn’t until he started getting insanely jealous of one of Funky Town, the other guys in the group whom I got along really well with that things started to fall apart. Mine and Funky Town were very fond of teasing eachother, poking eachother, having thumbwars or any other kind of wars and go shopping for clothes together. I thought of him as a brother and it never crossed my mind that he was a boy and I was a girl. But in Elf’s head we were conspiring against him and he demanded I not see Funky Town unless he was with us as well. It would have been a somewhat fair request if not Elf had the habit of sleeping and never answering his phone until 4 p.m.
I really did try to please Elf, but after a while I felt like I was breaking my back trying to make him feel comfortable. He explained that it was simple: If I really loved him, it shouldn’t be a problem to chose him over Funky Town. But in my head I was thinking: If you really loved me you wouldn’t make me chose between you or one of my best friends…
It all came crashing down when Funky Town one day said jokingly: “When you and Elf have kids they’re probably going to be…” I didn’t hear the rest. I think I panicked at the thought of a future with Elf and the thought of ever having kids with him made my head ring. So I broke it off. The three years we had together ended with a crash when he punched his fist through the bedroom window when I was in the bathroom. I did try to stay friends with him, because I still kind of loved and cared for him, but he kept trying to control me and was forever dissapointed whenever I didn’t put his needs first.
Even though I was the one who’d broken up with him it hit me really hard. Everything and anything made me cry and I stayed in bed for a week. When I finally got up and back out in to the world Funky Town was a great support. Without a jealous Elf to consider he quickly became one of my best friends in the world. And when Elf realized me and him couldn’t be friends and started contacting everyone we knew making them chose sides, Funky Town stuck by me. A remarkable thing, since he was Elf’s friend first.
